If you are a woman looking to tie the knot- take up a low-paying job!!!!!!

An edited version of this blog was published on 5th September , 2013 in Lip-

http://lipmag.com/opinion/women-in-india-and-china-looking-to-marry-are-forced-to-take-up-low-paying-jobs/




As bizarre as it may sound, it turns out that being well educated and financially sound works ‘against’ women in countries like India and China. It seems to have become a mammoth task for urban, well qualified and highly paid Chinese women to find suitable life partners. According to official statistics, one third of such women in their late 20s and 30s in China are single and actively looking for potential mates. Preposterously, there is a special term 'shengnu’ coined for such women. In china and India alike, there is a cultural preference for the man to be above his wife in terms of age, height, income, education etc besides other things. On a scale of A to D, A being the highest socio-economic ranking and D being the lowest, Class A men want to marry class B women, class B men want to marry class C women and so on.

Thus it turns out that it becomes increasingly difficult for class A women to find a suitable mate.

Of course class D men also share the same plight.

The only option left is for these residual classes to inter marry-, which seems next to impossible due to cultural and social biases. A woman earning more than her man, and bringing food to the table is considered ‘oh so demeaning’ for the quintessential male ego. Of course, another fact remaining that, ‘A class’ women themselves want to marry someone who matches up to them in most aspects if not all!

Traditional gender roles are so deep rooted in the social fabric of these countries, that men still cant tolerate women wearing the pants in a relationship.

If a woman in any case turns out to be more capable than her husband, she is expected to forgo her work and aspirations for the sake of her husband’s ego and domestic prosperity. Young Indian girls grow up learning and believing that they should never supersede their husbands, and if  need be, step down in order to allow their spouse to take charge. 

Many young urban educated Indian men are actively seeking non-working wives. When asked why, some say-

"Who will take care of the household?"

We ask, "what if she can juggle both effectively?"

Then the patriarchal mindset comes to the fore and pat comes the reply-

"What if she starts earning more than me? I don't want to be dictated terms to!!!"

I know of a couple- where the husband is retired and not earning, while the wife is doing a job and thus running the household. Yet she, like a ‘dutiful wife’, deposits her salary in her husband’s account every month, and makes the husband pay all the bills, so as to not hurt his male ego, and to keep his social grace and dignity intact. If you come to think of it, it is rather very generous of the wife (meaning she adores and respects her husband). But she also partly does it, to conform to the social norms and family expectations.

Working mothers and stay- at -home -fathers (a concept very common to the Western world) is something that the we cannot possibly comprehend and adopt in a long-long time to come. In urban India and China, where gender roles are gradually diluting, and women and men are working at par in most sectors, why on earth are our societies’ so regressive and rigid? Why do they vehemently refuse to acclimatize to changing times? Why are women of all classes and backgrounds, still expected to be subservient to their husbands?

I am not suggesting gender role reversal here, but just a healthy relationship of mutually shared responsibilities, where both men and women contribute equally to the family income as well as domestic/household chores.

The Diary of a Contemporary Indian Girl

You may call me a idealistic feminist or a masochist who is always at odds with the world - or you may just think of me as a perceptive young girl who is passionate about the cause of gender equality and who desperately wants to weed out the age old social bias Indians have against women.

The call is yours!!! I have been perceptive enough to catch the subtle nuances about our sexist society since I have come to better understand how it thinks and operates. Just yesterday- I heard a young Sikh boy cribbing about the fact that his sister is not yet married!!! “I am dying to have the entire floor to myself! She is 28- it’s high time she gets married now!!! ARGHHH”. A couple of months back I heard a story about a couple who were contemplating divorce. Some suggested- “the woman should have a child so that she gets busy and forgets her marital woes” (in my view- get stuck with an added responsibility and thus, dare not contemplate separation). Others simply said the girl would have to bear the brunt, as “it is very hard for a single woman to work and survive in a brutal city like Delhi”. A family friend of ours believes in and strongly preaches the “fact” that “a drinking woman can never manage to keep a household intact”. A Sikh acquaintance of my father was sick worried about his daughter’s relationship with a non-Sikh boy who wasn’t earning well enough to fend for himself. He discussed his woes with his son who suggested – “take away my sister’s rights to our family property and wealth. That way, she will come running back to us”. I have heard stories of young married women belonging to apparently ‘affluent’ and ‘educated’ families being verbally harassed and tortured for not having brought enough money in dowry. I went to a wedding recently and decided to grab a drink for myself at the bar!! Much to my dismay- the bar was flooded with sleazy drunk men who were scornfully gazing at me for having committed the sin of even thinking to consume alcohol.  Men boisterously discuss their exploits and drunken escapades with their buddies which is considered “oh so cool”. On the other hand, women who openly embrace their sexuality are dismissed as ‘sluts’ in social circuits.  

I once heard a young bunch of teenagers discussing that they need to arrange for “women”, besides “alcohol” and good music for their impending trip to Goa. Objectification of women is so frightfully normalized, that sadly most women too, are unable to understand this deeply culturally embedded issue. 

In a society where female goddesses are revered and are considered as symbols of power, where sexuality has been openly celebrated through the Kama sutra or the erotic sculptures of Khajurao, and where some of the great emperors and leaders have held their women in the highest of esteem- this paradigm shift in our social and cultural ethos is indeed very disturbing. Time to put our foot down and pull the plug!! What do you think???????? 

Women are only worth an eye candy?

Wimbledon women's single champion 2013- Marion Bartoli had to put up with the shallow remarks of a lot of vain people throughout the series. People couldn't stop accusing her of being "unglamorous" and "ugly" over twitter and other social media. The tipping point came with the insolent remark of BBC Radio 5's commentator, who said “Do you think Bartoli’s dad told her when she was little 'You’re never going to be a looker? You’ll never be a Sharapova, so you have to be scrappy and fight.” He later had to revoke his derogatory comment with an unfelt apology. Bartoli however gave a befitting reply to all her critics saying that she had never dreamt of winning a modeling contract, but had definitely dreamt of winning the Wimbledon!!

Not just in sports, but also in Bollywood we witness women being badgered for their physicality.  Actresses draw a lot of flak due to "weight gain". Newspapers are full of stories contemplating possible reasons with pictures of "before" being compared with those of "now". For instance, Bollywood actress 'Bipasha Basu' had to put up with fat-shaming. She was very depressed and was reportedly supported by her then beau 'John Abraham'. Another actress who had to go through a similar ordeal was 'Sushmita Sen'

I personally know a few parents who pressurize their daughters to stay fit, lest their marriage prospects get marred, but can't care less about the untamed bellies of their sons. When I questioned one such mother, she said "Oh, who will marry a fat girl? For boys, everything works out in the end'.I used to be a chubby teenager myself, and was always pressurized by my mother, aunts and my maternal grand mother to loose weight. I am not condoning the fact that being misfit/obese is healthy, but what's with the gender bias here?

All matrimonial advertisements in the newspaper state preferences for the brides to be 'slim', 'fair' and 'extremely beautiful'. In the case of 'wanted grooms', there are no such criteria.Research has it, that beautiful women stand a better chance at scoring a job of their choice, than their 'less attractive' counterparts.In most if not all Bollywood movies, women are only hailed for their beauty. A ‘Konkana Sen Sharma’, can never be a ‘Katrina Kaif’. ‘Nandita Das’ is a brilliant actor, but sadly never got her dues, as she does not possess the ‘conventional’ good looks' (not to mention that at-least 50% of my generation would not even know who she is). ‘Sonam Kapoor’ has sadly been only recognized for her excellent fashion sense. Thus her skills as an actor have always been put on the back burner. ‘Sarah Jessica Parker’ was voted "the unsexiest woman alive”, by an American magazine-, which left her completely shattered and humiliated.

Why are women only recognized for their 'external virtues' instead of their 'talents' and 'skill sets'?? Why are they made to feel bad about their bodies?? Why are they taught and conditioned to base their 'self worth' on how they look?? Why are we hell bent on promoting such shallow benchmarks of recognition?? Aren't looks ephemeral?? What explains gender discrimination in this context? These questions always haunt me. Such sexist attitudes are so deep-rooted in global societies, that it seems impossible to weed them out any time soon. Feel free to give some sound suggestions!!

Women Under Attack

An edited version of this blog was published on 7th August, 2013 in Lip-

http://lipmag.com/featured/women-under-attack-why-india-is-the-fourth-most-dangerous-place-in-the-world-for-women/

So many women in Delhi have become victims of acid attacks in the past couple of years. Hooligans, hiding their faces behind masks, mercilessly attack these disarmed women. For these unscrupulous men, it is just a momentary act of vengeance. High on testosterone and low on basic conscience, these ruthless men do not hesitate in carrying out such audacious acts of violence. However for the victimized women, these few seconds decide their fate-, which is either a life full of condemnation and social disgrace or a painful torturous death. The genesis of most such crimes is unrequited love. ‘Laxmi’ had to pay a big price for spurning the advances of a man who was madly in love with her.  Feeling hurt and disgraced, he decided to satiate his ‘punctured’ male ego, by disfiguring Laxmi’s face with corrosive acid. Laxmi was only 15 then. She was encouraged by her father’s employer, ‘Shireen Jejeebhoy’ of the Population Council to file a PIL. After a long battle, Laxmi finally succeeded in getting the perpetrator convicted for 10 years. She has undergone a number of reconstructive surgeries, all of which have been fully funded by Shireen Jejeebhoy. However others have not been as lucky as Laxmi. Another such victim was abandoned by her husband and laid off from her job. Her perpetrator is still at large. She is desperately looking to be financially independent and lives with her brother and father currently. Preeti Rathi, another such victim, sadly succumbed to her injuries. Her parents are still struggling to get the full compensation money, not to mention that her culprit is still on the run. I was jubilant to know that the Supreme Court has taken stringent measures to ensure that all sellers maintain a log of people who purchase acid, with the ‘intent of purchase’ and ‘full contact details’ clearly mentioned. Along with regulating the retail sale of acid, the Supreme Court has also increased the compensation money for the victim’s kin, from 1 lakh to 3 lakhs of rupees. However the need of the hour is to take preventive measures to avoid the occurrence of such incidents in future. However sometimes I wonder what these feasible measures could possibly be. We are born with a conscience, which is polished and shaped through the process of socialization in the formative years of our life. Correct upbringing and good education is the only way to tame the ego and refine the attitude of this uncouth lot towards women.

Laxmi was lucky to have had the support of Shireen Jejeebhoy. I truly appreciate Shireen’s humanitarian spirit and urge everyone to treat such acid attack victims with respect and care, instead of ostracizing them and treating them as social outcasts.