Is going the arranged way passé?

In my late teens, my antipathy towards arranged marriages was very evident to friends and family alike. The very mention of this ‘outmoded’ concept used to leave me vexed and defensive. I used to blatantly look down upon people opting for such obsolete alliances, labeling them ‘old fashioned’ and ‘silly’. But now being 24, I often find myself asking -Are arranged marriages all that bad after all?

I know of people who have courted for years before tying the knot, but have barely been able to make it as husband and wife, past a few months! Gosh- they knew each other for almost a decade- who in their right mind could have possibly thought that their marriage would so swiftly disintegrate? On the other hand I know of a few well-educated, successful professionals, who have taken the plunge with a man/woman of their parents’ choice, having met each other only once or twice before deciding to share a lifetime together- but have been happily married for years now! What explains this queer phenomenon? Should we shun these cases as mere exceptions? Or is there more to it?

Arranged marriage as a concept, has thrived successfully in the Indian socio-cultural milieu since time immemorial.  My grandparents’ were arranged in marriage by their respective families. They lived happily together for 60 long years. My parents have been married for 30 years now- and had met each other only once before deciding to get hitched! Despite divorce rates having doubled over the last couple of years, India still boasts itself as a country with one of the lowest divorce statistics in the world.

I feel that love marriages are driven by intense emotions. Both individuals are high on oxytocin, and thus may take decisions based of sheer impulse. Rationale may be clouded by the initial euphoria of romantic attachment. It is only when they are married- that they realize that ‘being in love’ and ‘being married’ are two humongously different things. As the initial rush wanes, the rose-tinted notion of love dwindles, and acrimony creeps in. This is not to say that all love marriages meet a similar fate. There are some exemplary love marriages that have been super successful. Also couples in love marriages have high expectations from each other. Especially women, expect their husbands to be as affectionate and doting, as they were before they got married. The bars are set too high, and when unrealistic expectations go unmet, individuals are left feeling frustrated and disillusioned.

In arranged marriages, however, better judgment prevails, as decisions are taken based on logical reasoning. Social, economic and cultural backgrounds are matched- thus these marriages stand a better chance of survival. Surprisingly, arranged marriage is catching up as a popular trend amongst youngsters today, as an increasing number of them are starting to believe that it is the new ‘smart’ thing to do. Many believe, that their parents are experienced, have seen life more than they have, and thus are in a better position to decide what will work out best for them.

Proponents of love marriage claim that it has the comforting ‘familiarity’ quotient to it. “Atleast we are not getting married to a stranger”- they say. But love marriages may not always pan out as expected. Shobha De, in her book ‘spouse’, writes about a friend who got married to a charming young man, with whom she fell in love at University in the States. Alas, he metamorphosed into a debauched, overweight jerk, who would raise his hand at his wife, every time she begged to differ. Her friend eventually decided to divorce her depraved husband. Thus people also change with changing circumstances. There is no guarantee!

Proponents of arranged marriage claim that the charm of getting to know a person gradually over time is unparalleled. The mystery of exploring the many facets to a partner’s personality appeals to them. A friend told me once- “I got married without so much as holding hands before our wedding night. It was daunting at first, but we gradually opened up to each other, and everyday, we got to know something new about each other. The experience itself was extremely fulfilling” However arranged marriages too, run an equal amount of risk, as one may not necessarily like what is unearthed and exposed to them over time!

Now divorce rates are spiraling in India like never before. It is increasingly becoming common amongst the educated and wealthy burgeoning middle class of the country. The social stigma associated with divorce is gradually diluting. Financial independence of women has empowered them to put their foot down when a marriage goes awry (which was unthinkable of earlier).  People are also becoming increasingly intolerant and impulsive, willing to end things at the first sign of trouble. They are more devoted to their careers, and are unwilling to spare time and energy in fixing their relationship issues. Does this revolution mark cultural progression or social degeneration?

Nub being- that marriage is a big gamble- love and arranged alike. Both have a 50:50 chance of survival. As the famous metaphor in Hindi goes- “Shaadi ka laddo aisa hai- khao toh problem, nai khao toh bhi problem!” Marriage is like a sumptuous dessert- you do not want to consume it, but you do not want to stay away from it either! It was, is and will continue to remain an enigma that is tough to fathom! Marriage of any kind needs to be nurtured and worked upon. Domestic trivia is invariable, but tolerance, love and compromise are the prominent factors that underpin a successful alliance.