Lost Identity

Upon marriage, a woman assumes the family name of her spouse. Thus her maiden name, i.e., her birth name-the very name with which she has identified herself for almost a quarter of her life is replaced by her spouse’s last name. Worst still, I have heard stories of women being christened new ‘first names’ by their in-laws for astrological reasons, to ensure marital bliss.   An Indu Sharma, becomes a Mrs. Gupta, or worse still, Mrs. Suresh Gupta. She is addressed as Mr. Gupta’s wife at social gatherings, and in more vernacular settings, as Suresh Gupta’s ‘Mrs’. The name ‘Indu Sharma’ suddenly ceases to exist. Alas, in most cases- ‘Indu Sharma’ perishes, not only as a name, but also as an individual.

‘Why do some married women so easily relinquish their individualities’- is a compelling question that I often find myself asking.  I know of a few women, who were very ambitious and career-oriented, and spent years, striving to realize their dreams, until one day- they got married and gave it all up, for reasons that are iffy in more ways than one. Now they have been reduced to mere trophies and are leading mundane, unproductive lives. Some say that they ‘choose’ to live the life that they are living (which is fine by me- to each, his own). However many others are plain jaded by the sheer monotony and lack of purpose to their lives, but are almost reticent to speak up about it. These women start living as their spouses’ shadow; and their entire world revolves around the husband as the pivotal focus. This unhealthy clinging often leads to frustration and a plethora of unfulfilled needs. These attention hungry women are on a lookout for constant reassurance from their husbands. However when their spouses fail/refuse to fuel their self-worth, their world falls apart, leaving them feeling disillusioned and worthless. They are suddenly rendered redundant, but can do little to salvage their dignity. Worse still, in some cases, women are aware of the womanizing and philandering ways of their infidel partners, but are reluctant to opt out of the marriage, as they do not want to loose their marital status, which becomes the sole basis of their identity and existence! Their emotional and financial reliance on their husbands leaves them with no choice but to live on with the façade of their meaningless marriage.

This sensitive subject has been wonderfully portrayed by new wave cinema that dates back as early as the 1980’s. Grappling under the social pressure of keeping their marriage and thus family honor intact, women used to endure harassment, violence, humiliation, infidelity and much more. Path-breaking films like ‘Arth and ‘Ek Baar Phir’ incite a fresh and progressive school of thought by splintering the stigma associated with divorce, thus enkindling every Indian woman to snap out of her domestic rut and value and preserve her individuality. They also expound the significance of self-reliance for women, encouraging them to stand on their own two feet, so that they can exercise greater freedom of choice and action!

The nub being, that in blissful and acrimonious marriages alike, women should never compromise on ‘self’. A fulfilling marriage is one where you share your life with a person you care about, while being self-sufficient yourself!!!